Tongue Fu! Read online

  As he passed by, I turned to say something and saw the back of his T-shirt, which read: “ARE YOU A JOCKEY?”

  I had to meet this clever young man. I jumped off the people mover and chased after him. I finally caught up with him and asked breathlessly, “Where did you get that terrific shirt?”

  He grinned from ear to ear and said, “This is nothing. I have a whole drawer full at home. My favorite one says, ‘I’m 6'13" and the weather up here is fine!’ ”

  He went on to explain: “I grew almost a foot between the time I was sixteen and eighteen years old. I didn’t even want to leave the house because everywhere I went, people made smart-aleck remarks. My mom finally told me, ‘If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.’ She was the one who thought these up. Now I look forward to going out because I enjoy my height instead of being embarrassed by it.”

  That was one smart young man. If you have something that bothers you, doesn’t it make sense to have fun with it instead of being frustrated by it?

  Are People Pushing Your Hot Buttons?

  "How come my parents can still push all my hot buttons?" “That’s easy. They installed them.”—Graffiti

  What causes you to lose your temper or poise? Start collecting comebacks for those not-so-funny verbal jabs so you’re no longer caught off guard.

  Wouldn’t we like to have someone provide us with ready-made punch lines? That was the case when David Niven emceed the 1974 Academy Awards. The producer of the show anticipated an uninvited guest (it was the year of the streaker), so he created a quip—jest (!) in case.

  Sure enough, in the middle of the program a naked man raced across the stage. Instead of being flustered, Niven was prepared with this seemingly off-the-cuff remark: “Just think. The only laugh that man will ever get is for showing off his . . . shortcomings.” Bravo!

  Since most of us can’t rely on a professional joke writer to write our punch lines, we have to develop our own. The good news is, you don’t have to be a comedian, you can crowd-source your material.

  In every Tongue Fu!® workshop, we brainstorm Fun Fu! responses for sensitive scenarios. A successful career woman said, “I used to dread the question, ‘Oh, what’s your degree in?’ I didn’t go to college, so that question always embarrassed me. One time I was presenting at an industry conference, and an audience member asked where I’d gone to school. I didn’t know what to say at first. Then I spontaneously quipped, ‘I went to UHK.’ The puzzled attendee asked, ‘What’s that?’ I smiled and said, ‘The University of Hard Knocks.’ It got a chuckle, let me off the hook in a humorous way, and that’s what I’ve been saying ever since.”

  An elderly gentleman admitted he resented being asked how old he was. “That offends me. My age is nobody’s business but my own. Where do people get off asking such personal questions?” Our class put their heads together and came up with some tongue-in-cheek answers. Since the fellow was an active golfer, his favorite was “Let’s just say I’m on the back nine.”

  A married couple in their mid-thirties said they had grown tired of being asked, “When are the two of you going to have children?” They liked someone’s suggestion that they feign shock and exclaim, “We knew we forgot something!” They could also fend off too-personal questions with “Why do you ask?” Putting the conversational ball back in their court is often enough to let people know you consider their inquiry off-limits.

  Don’t Be Offended; Be Amused

  “Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. Once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation, you can survive it.” Bill Cosby

  A premise of Tongue Fu!® is that it’s sometimes in everyone’s best interest to be amused rather than offended if someone says something insensitive. There will always be people who make inappropriate remarks. Their barbs can’t needle us unless we let them. Develop a mental thick skin through humor.

  I’ll always remember the pain in a woman’s voice when she asked, “What can I say when someone says, ‘Wow, you’ve packed on some pounds, haven’t you’? It makes me uncomfortable when people bring up my weight.”

  If what the person is saying is true, you could acknowledge that with a “grin” of salt and say, “Yes, I have!,” and then change the subject. If they’re looking for a reaction, don’t give them one. You remove their power to wound you when you refuse to “accept” an insult.

  You can choose to lighten up instead of tighten up by using self-deprecating humor. A friend of mine decided a long time ago not to be self-conscious or sensitive about her weight. If someone brings it up, she shrugs and says, “I’m saving up for a harsh winter” and then moves the conversation on to something else.

  The secret is NOT to buy into insulting remarks by denying or defending them. The more emotional you get, the more they’ll know they “got” you. Simply respond with poise and switch the topic.

  A woman who hadn’t lost her baby weight several months after the birth of her second child reported that she often ran into people who made such tactless comments as “I thought you already had your baby” or “Are you pregnant again?” Instead of being hurt, she pats her tummy, waggles her eyebrows a la Groucho Marx and retorts, “These are leftovers,” and then starts talking about something different.

  Put Fun Fu! To Work - At Work

  “It has always surprised me how little attention philosophers have paid to humor since it is a more significant process of mind than reason. Reason can only sort out perceptions; humor is involved in changing them.” – Edward De Bono

  During a training session I conducted for the IRS, an auditor explained how he and his coworkers use Fun Fu! to counteract boorish behavior. “Just about everyone who walks in our door resents us. They see us as the enemy. They don’t want to be here. Instead of being offended by this undeserved animosity (we’re people too!), we’ve filled a bulletin board with comic strips that poke fun at the IRS, or Income Removal Service, as one cartoon called us.

  One pictures an auditor telling a citizen, ‘The secret is to stop thinking of it as your money.’ These cartoons let the public know we’re human. When taxpayers read these jokes and our sign that says, ‘Sorry, we’re IN!’ their whole attitude often changes—for the better.”

  You’re never too old or too young to learn the power of handling hassles with humor.

  My niece, a talented softball pitcher, logged on to her Facebook account after her high school team suffered a humiliating loss. One of her “friends” had posted on her wall, “Way to go kid! What happened? Forget what team you were playing for? Maybe next time you should call in sick?!”

  Yikes. Her friend was probably “joking,” but that hurtful post was visible to everyone at school. My niece is a strong young lady who knew that unless she responded immediately, the teasing would only get worse.

  She replied with this tongue-in-cheek response: “It’s all part of my plan for world domination. Now that I’ve tested it at home, I can unleash my superpowers on the world!”

  Her teammates greeted her the next day with high-fives and “Good one!” One said, “Next time you have a plan for world domination, can we try it out on the other team?” Instead of being offended, resenting the “friend” and suffering in silence, my niece took the high road of humor. As a result, it became a non-issue and everyone moved on. Fun Fu! Master.

  What If Someone Says Something Truly Outrageous?

  “A closed mouth gathers no feet.” - Tongue Fu’ism

  What if someone makes a “loaded” accusation, (e.g., the infamous “When did you stop beating your wife?”)

  Don’t dignify it with any answer at all. Why? Bob Monkhouse explained it best: “Silence is not only golden, it’s seldom misquoted.” Don’t even say, “I’m not going to answer that.” If you take the bait, they’ll have successfully hooked you with their taunt.

  Instead, switch the subject or redirect the remark to a related topic. A famous movie star did a masterful job of this one evening on a late-nigh
t television talk show. The host made a rather unkind observation about her film career. “All your movies have portrayed you as a sex kitten, haven’t they?” You could tell the actress was distressed by this label and didn’t want to waste her fifteen minutes in the spotlight discussing it. She turned to the emcee, and instead of reinforcing his stereotyping her as a sex kitten, she brightly asked, “Speaking of movies, want to see a clip from my new one?” Without causing her host to lose face, she picked up on part of his comment and moved on to a more constructive topic.

  Learn To Laugh At Life

  “If you can laugh at it; you can live with it.” – Erma Bombeck, humorist

  Jim Pelley, a friend and professional speaker from Northern California, is a Fun Fu! black belt. He travels around the country presenting programs about humor in the workplace for Fortune 500 companies. Jim has given me permission to tell one of his signature stories about a flight attendant who laughs at life and helps others do the same.

  Jim describes the time he was seated next to The Original Difficult Person on a completely full coast-to-coast flight. His seatmate complained about everything: his carry-on bag wouldn’t fit in the overhead bin; he was squeezed into the middle seat of the middle row; it took almost two hours to serve lunch; and—the final insult—lunch was a light snack instead of a hot meal. (You can tell this happened years ago; what airline serves hot meals anymore?!)

  Mr. Difficult took one bite of his sandwich, dropped it on his plate, and angrily pushed the call button.

  The flight attendant quickly appeared and asked politely, “Yes, sir, how may I help you?” He shoved the sandwich up toward her face and growled, “This sandwich is bad!”

  The flight attendant looked from him to the sandwich. She looked back at him and then at the sandwich. In a moment of inspiration, she shook her finger at the snack and scolded, “Bad sandwich, bad sandwich!”

  The man’s mouth dropped open and he jerked straight up in his seat. Jim said he couldn’t help himself—he burst out laughing. After a moment of stunned silence, the disgruntled passenger started laughing too, and was cooperative for the rest of the flight.

  Jim approached the flight attendant later in the galley to congratulate her. “That was classic. Did you just think of that?”

  She replied, “I’ve been a flight attendant for twenty-five years. I discovered a long time ago I better learn how to handle difficult people because there’s at least one on every flight. Unless I figured out how to turn them around, they were going to end up making me and everyone else on the plane miserable.

  “I talked with other stews—that’s what we called ourselves in those days—and asked how they handled challenging situations. What can we do when we’re seventeenth in line and everyone’s going to miss their connections? What can we say when we have a mechanical problem and have to return to the gate? I collected a variety of amusing comments so I can handle just about anything that happens. One of my favorites is when we run out of a particular entrée. I announce, ‘We’re out of chicken and all we have left is Salisbury steak. And to answer your question, no, the Salisbury steak can NOT be used as a flotation device.’”

  She continued, “I’ve pledged to keep a sense of humor, no matter what! I decided that no one – no matter how rude – is going to ruin my trip or the trip of the other passengers. You have no idea how many times that that commitment to keep laughing has saved me.”

  As Mark Twain said, “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing, after all. The minute it crops up, our irritations and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.” Can you make a commitment to keep your sense of humor no matter what? It can help you handle challenges with a chuckle instead of a curse.

  A Sense of Humor Can Be Your Saving Grace

  "The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.” Shirley MacLaine, American Actress

  I was checking out of a hotel at the end of a National Speakers Association convention and was fortunate to be standing next to Bob Murphy, former state senator from Nacogdoches, Texas, and one of the funniest men I’ve ever had the privilege to know. A bellhop walked by pushing a luggage cart with a large potted plant on it. Bob watched it roll by and then drawled, “I guess a dog must have ordered room service.” After everyone in the vicinity quit guffawing, I asked Bob, “How do you come up with such funny lines?” He replied, “You’ve got to look at the world with smiling eyes.”

  From now on, stay alert for humorous asides. Mel Brooks was right when he observed, “Life literally abounds in comedy if you just look around you.” If someone heckles Jon Stewart and he fires back an inspired retort, remember it (and give him credit). If you see a one-liner on Facebook that makes you laugh out loud, write it down (and note the source).

  Remember, to err is humor. Laugh at it – before other people can. By looking for laughs in all the right places, you can respond to stressful situations with amusement rather than irritation.

  Action Plan - Handle Hassles With Fun Fu!

  “If you’re going to laugh about it someday; you might as well laugh about it now.” – Marie Osmond

  You were laid off from your previous job and have been looking for work. After several months of answering ads, you finally have two good prospects, but they’re not official yet. If one more person innocently asks, “How’s the job search going?” you’re not sure you can be held accountable for your behavior. How do you respond?

  Words To Lose

  You let people push your hot buttons.

  “If one more person asks me if I have a job yet, I’m going to lose it.”

  You can be frustrated by misfortune and focus on everything that’s wrong.

  “I’m never going to find work. I’ve invested hundreds of hours and I don’t have anything to show for it. ”

  You can curse your bad luck and let people annoy you.

  “Does he think it’s helpful to say it’s impossible to find a job in this economy?"

  You can resent thoughtless questions and be irritated by insensitive remarks.

  “How am I supposed to respond to a stupid question like that? Doesn’t he realize if I had found a job, I would have told him about it?”

  Words To Use

  You can prepare responses to dreaded questions.

  “Thanks for asking. I’m open to any and all suggestions. Know anyone looking for an HR Director? ”

  You can make light of your misfortune instead of allowing it to depress you.

  “I hadn't planned to retire quite this early. The good part is, I have time to coach my kids’ soccer team ”

  You keep a wry sense of humor and choose to be pro-active.

  “All my life I wondered what I’d be when I grew up. I didn’t know it was going to be unemployed. Please let me know if you have any leads.”

  You keep your antenna up for quips and use them to keep smiling – no matter what.

  “I agree with comedian Steven Wright’s philosophy. He said, “I walked by a business today that had two signs in the window, EMPLOYEES NEEDED and SELF- SERVICE. So I went in and hired myself.”

  CHAPTER 2 FAST FORWARD THROUGH FRUSTRATION

  “Do you need to do things differently, or do you need to do a different thing?” - Oprah Winfrey

  What do you do when someone says something unfair or unkind? What do you do when you don’t like how someone is behaving?

  Do you remain silent because you don’t know what to say?

  Do you speak up only to wish you hadn’t?

  Or, do you think of the perfect response … on the way home?

  It’s natural to take offense if someone yells at you or blames you for something that’s not your fault. You may think, “This isn’t fair!” or “What a jerk!” or “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this.”

  These reactions, though understandable, only make matters worse.

  Why? Blurting out what’s on the tip of your tongue almost always establishes a “me-against-y
ou” adversarial atmosphere. Going with your initial reaction almost always hurts more than it helps.

  From now on, do things differently. Before firing off that retort that’s on the tip of our tongue, take a few seconds to ask yourself, “Is what I’m about to way wise … or rash?”

  Please note; this is not about censoring yourself or withholding the truth; it is about clarifying your purpose before you speak so you can be sure you’re responding (wise) instead of reacting (rash).

  As we have all experienced, saying out loud the first thing that comes to mind when we are upset is more often about defending our wounds than finding solutions. This chapter offers several techniques to help you think on your feet so you won’t automatically lash back when you don’t like what’s being said.

  Ask Yourself: “How Would I Feel?”

  "Some people think only intellect counts. But intellect is insufficient without empathy.” Dean Koontz

  How can you learn to respond with empathy? By understanding that anytime we’re frustrated with someone, we’re probably only seeing things from our point of view.

  The quickest way to fast-forward through frustration is to see things from the other person’s point of view.

  How can you do this? By using the Empathy Phrase “How would I feel?” “How would I feel if I were in this person’s shoes?” “How would I feel if this was happening to me?”

  The power of the four-word Empathy Phrase “How would I feel?” is that it removes animosity by helping you experience the other person’s side.

  You may not like the other person’s behavior (that’s okay), however the Empathy Phrase can help you understand it. As Confucius said, “The more a man knows, the more he forgives.” Taking the time to find out what’s behind unpleasant behavior can be one step toward forgiving it.